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Sunday, August 14, 2016

October 27, 2015:

I’ve been having quite a difficult day. I woke from a dream that helped me to realize a new situation in which my abusers abused me. I don’t want to talk about what happened, or the happenings, right now because there’s still quite a bit of shame surrounding it. But Lord willing, I will talk about it when I am feeling more rested and prepared to continue my healing. Went to the gym today. That’s something positive I can say I did. Before this, I went to Druxy’s cafĂ©. I had a bagel with egg and cheese. After that I purchased a small salad. It was great. It was a spinach base and had grapes, mandarin slices, black olives, broccoli, beat, peppers. Yummy! My time at the gym was good and I got an upper body workout in. I’m incorporating exercises the personal trainer showed me. I just had a consultation with him (3 sessions) so it was difficult to do that much. But he has shown me some good ways to progress forward. I am attempting to loosen up my ankle because of what he showed me. Prior to working with him, I was in a rigid mindset as to how my foot worked. I thought that the main problem was that it just wouldn’t move up and down, in a heel toe way. There’s a lot more that’s rough about it. It’s tough and I have got to say that after working on it for a couple of days now, it’s even tighter. I will not give up. I will keep fighting. It’s not that I had given up on it before. It’s just that it hurt so much to fiddle with it. Even now, I’m noticing that while I am working on it, it is hurting more to walk and to keep balance. In any case, I forgot to mention, this morning I did another lesson in my distance education. Coming out of the gym was difficult. I was feeling filled with anger and was depressed for a bit, reflecting on the new memories that had surfaced for me. I said a few things but I hope they weren’t in earshot of anyone. I had no intention of people hearing what I said. It was nothing profane. Just something like, ‘I am exhausted.’ In an angry way. I’m trying to be easier on myself, knowing that I am a human being. I just wish everything I have been through under the rug. But I know that is not a solution. I will keep fighting. Knowing, absolutely knowing that things could definitely be worse. Called my mom this evening. Tonight, I am thankful for people. The Father created the sun and moon to rise on the good as well as the bad. I am blessed to be in this with so many good people. Thank you for your compassion and love.

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